I’m giving up on men and relationships. Friendship- ok. I’ve had it.
Some how I am allowing really strange and unhealthy dynamics into my
life and this scares me. The person in my house yesterday scared me- when he
stormed out- but he was scaring me before he stormed out...or rather I was growing increasingly uncomfortable with him.
This happened before about 3 years ago with another man in an even more frightening way- a way that left me shaking in my car for half an hour. I felt this same discomfort- I can't even explain it- and within minutes he erupted at me and told me to get the f out of his home. And a year later I went back and became friends with that same person for a time- he had apologized profusely…and I finally realized that this kind of behaviour could not be erased from my being- I felt unsafe with his charm.
This happened before about 3 years ago with another man in an even more frightening way- a way that left me shaking in my car for half an hour. I felt this same discomfort- I can't even explain it- and within minutes he erupted at me and told me to get the f out of his home. And a year later I went back and became friends with that same person for a time- he had apologized profusely…and I finally realized that this kind of behaviour could not be erased from my being- I felt unsafe with his charm.
It goes way
back. My first long term boyfriend had
an affair while we were going out and I wanted him back- and I stayed with him
for two volatile years- in moments where he would talk on the phone for half an
hour with this girl- making me feel as if I was crazy for being bothered- or
upset. The good news is I ended up leaving him- for a sailor!
Flash forward...Yesterday…I had been having a phone friendship with this
guy- who right from the get go had me feeing a little uncertain. He called looking for a musical connection and
went on to bend my ear for over an hour about himself and his former, female, music
partner – who had chosen not to play with him any more…about how he cried having
done a single days work in a factory…oh on an on he went. I told him I would certainly consider
musically connecting- I just moved to a completely new community and I’m open
to connection especially musical. So I
messaged him the following week giving him times I was available. He called me –telling me how everything was
going OK for him- his sister offered him a place to stay rent free- and a
vehicle and a huge tv…etc. I’m thinking… he has an amazing support
system- what the heck is he doing calling me about anything other than
music? I was a bit pissed because he
really had presented his situation as dire- like he had no way of earning
income and he had to find a place to live and figure out his life…I got caught
into his story and felt compassion because I had been a single mom with an 8
year old in tow- and broke, and uncertain of where to go when my ex walked…but
I did not have a wonderful sister who was going to take me in. And I did have to do work at jobs that were
extremely hard for me- I had a little person to take care of.
OK I know the story is getting long- thanks for sticking
with me. So this guy- let’s just call
him X- he calls and apologizes and says he wants to know more about me and he
really wants to be more of a giver than a taker. The words sound right. We continue to chat over he next five
days…but the conversations do seem to always revolve around him and his former
musical partner…and I’m thinking- how can he start something new while he’s
still pining over something that is gone…but I ignore those thoughts and we
decide to meet.
He comes over about half an hour late. I smell alcohol on him. Perhaps it’s from the
night before. He cannot look at me
directly- I feel weird. I attribute it
to a first meeting.
I show him around my place- normally people go crazy for my
art- he really says nothing. We play some
music- he is showing me his guitar pedals, and his looping pedal…we play some
of my songs and I listen to him play-
can’t for the life of me figure out why a musician this talented is at
the bottom of his game. I’m encouraging
and praising… of course we chat more and all I’m hearing about is his former
musical girlfriend and his other girlfriends- how incredibly beautiful they
were- like models…etc..etc… this is not giving me anything…this is draining
me…no woman wants to hear some guy talk about how attractive his former
girlfriends are. He has not given me anything warm or
encouraging… I’m thinking…the thoughts are going downhill- I’m disappearing…and
I get up and tell him I am feeling very uncomfortable. Oh and I forgot to mention twice I have invited
him to collaborate on musical things and he will not give me an answer…my days
of being some sweet receptacle for some guys junk are over.
When I tell him I’m
feeling uncomfortable and why- he petty much tells me I’m crazy- he says we
barely know each other…I guess the 20 hours of phone conversation in which he
told me his life story, meant I did not know him…and he stormed out.
Honestly…I don’t care if I’ve know a man for 5 minutes.. I
don’t want to hear about his former girlfriends and how stunningly gorgeous
they were. Flashback to this first
boyfriend of mine (A music executive) always bending his neck to look at women
While we were out- telling me I should feel lucky that he’s interested in other
women- means he was alive?? OK the ‘me’
of this era would have walked…
I am left- once
again wondering how I let this person get even remotely near me.
This is my conclusion.
I do not know how to set the bar of how
I want to be treated until it’s too late.
And I don’t know how to fix this because my relationships- especially
with my father were molded in a mixed up way where I had to put up with a great
deal of abuse just to have a relationship with him. And so I don’t know what is
healthy or ‘normal’. And I realize I
have a fault…a weakness that is not serving me…and I have no idea how to change
this.
All I can think of is
to stop. For now- I am done with men and
dating.
I just don’t trust
myself. My picker is broken.
I have had too many strange experiences and I am left each
time doubting…myself, my faith…
I need my strength
right now for me- to create the life of my dreams- or shall I say to embellish
the life of my dreams- I’ve already began the canvas…and I need positive energy
and strength to paint it brightly.
So my public declaration- I hereby swear off men for indeterminate
period of time.
Signed
Me
facing the wall- I'm not sure my pot has a lid...and all this men stuff is draining me. I believe in the Big love- but I'm not sure about romantic love...
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