Tuesday, July 4, 2017

The Wisdom Is In YOU

The Wisdom in You

You awaken yet again feeling like a misfit.  Everyone else seems to have it so together- at least according to Facebook! The thought crosses your mind –'maybe I need help, someone to talk to?’   (Background sound in your brain of horse chariot screeching to a halt, which now morphs into sirens wailing in your head...then over the intercom (yes in your head!)  “Warning…Warning…Warning!”
And I grab my bling pen and my trusty journal and I write.

  Can I tell you about my experiences with life coaches? #lifecoachesarescary.    Believe it or not, I am actually an accredited life coach after taking my 10 day quickie-coach course. Yup- apparently I am qualified!  Let me begin by this.  I’ve never seen a more dubious form of helping others- dubious in the fact that most self-proclaimed life coaches have no more training than I.  I spent ten days (and $1400.00) on a ridiculous telephone course, which a life-coach put together.  Granted she was no dummy!  Her claim to fame was dating a famous Hay House author thirty years her senior and granted, I would have dated him too!  But he’s gone now, may he rest in peace.  I loved his books.  They changed the way I looked at things…and the things I looked at changed.

    She was my very first life coach- let’s call her Sunny.  Sunny was never sad or depressed EVER.  Does this sound real to you? Cuz it did not feel real to me.  But in any case Sunny and I would sit and talk every couple of weeks for $100 a session and the interesting thing was she talked as much as-maybe more-than me.  It was really more like 2 girlfriends talking…where one girlfriend paid the other $100.  But really, I felt more like a fan.  I was going through a bad separation with my 8–year-old daughter in tow and man being happy looked inviting! And to be honest her happy vibe was infectious- I did feel happy once every couple of weeks!  But looking back I’m thinking co-dependence.   I watched and listened as she broke off with her amazing dolt-mate partner, whom while she was with, was apparently “the most amazing guy ever!!!”  Until they broke up.  Then he was the “biggest jerk ever!”  Everything seemed to be hot or cold with her.  Anyways eventually she told me she was raising her rates to $150.  I said sorry I can’t afford that and she said, “don’t worry, you can owe me- I trust you.”  I could owe her?   I could extend myself financially for her happiness injection?  Now it was beginning to feel like some sort of drug pusher/addict situation.  I was able to sever my Sunny addiction…moving on.

    Next I met another ‘life coach’, this one even scarier.   She was beautiful.  And she was attracting many clients because her confidence and her physical appearance made her seem larger than life.  She did retreats- so I went to several. I too was smitten. I’m not gay but my mother was a stunning-looking woman and some how I’ve always been drawn to the beautiful people, even though I somehow know that what’s on the inside often does not match what’s on the outside.  Well this gorgeous creature invited me to be on her team of coaches! What me??  OMG.  Then every time I tried to be in touch with her- she told me she was way to important to deal with my questions, like- "what exactly is my job? When do I get paid?"   and to deal with her assistant.  I knew something was rotten in Denmark and I called her on it.  Boom! Assistant fired me from literally, a dream job.   MY head was now more screwed up from these two people than it was before I met either of them.  I was on a path- but uncertain where it was leading.

     Still doubting my self, and feeling needy as ever for insight, I met an old acquaintance/ friend (We had met briefly at a Jewish Study group) who was training to be a life coach. I’m not sure how you become accredited this field (except for a 10 day quickie course) but she was taking course in Gestalt.   I’m sure that made her more accomplished and life-coach savvy than I.   I was teaching an art camp for adults and she came to one of my creative weeks.     She loved painting and I still felt I needed help, but really, looking back, I think I wanted to be friends with this popular and seemingly super wise woman- so we did an exchange.  I would give her a place to paint and she would be my place for needy dependence.  Seemed like a good deal, right?

   Well at first it worked out wonderfully.   Let’s call her Coach Flower.  Flower was like an aging hippy with long flowing golden hair, cool hippy clothing and a motherly kindness blended with the over-confidence of a very entitled upbringing.  I was attracted to all of this!  While I may have had an upper middle class childhood, my family was like a house of crazy adult children raising confused children children- confused because there were no real adults around.  It wasn’t their fault. They came from a generation where you did what society expected of you. You got married before 25 and immediately had children- with zero parenting experience- and their parents did not know how to be parents either but I digress off the path of this story. Everyone is doing the best they can-my go-to explanation.

   So coach Flower had things I wanted.  She had beauty.  She had confidence.  She had a family who supported her and children who loved her.  She had a swimming pool and a very successful partner. All surface things that I believed made her someone I could learn from.  I mean she manifested my dream life- maybe she could help me manifest it right?  Wrong.

       Flower was all about the truth...”let’s talk about your truth.  Is that True?  Tell me what’s true…” The problem was she was not exactly living in her own truth, more of an illusion of truth.   Let me give you a few examples.  Flower could not live without her anti-depressants.   Here I was trying to create a raw life being myself- an over-emotional creative hot mess and she was cheating.  She was afraid to be all of herself- so she kept it under control- so she could be who every one else wanted her to be.  I’m trying to learn to accept and love myself with someone who is faking same.   More clues began to appear before me in the way of how I felt.

   I’ve never totally trusted the way I feel because I am so highly sensitive and people in my family have always told me- I’m too sensitive- so maybe these feeling and hunches…maybe I’d best ignore them, and I did.

  On the one hand, coach Flower invited me to swim in her pool and we had these talks that made me feel connected to God- there it is again, that drug-like feeling of connection.  A few moments where nothing was wrong and I was in the womb of her warmth.  But stuff was happening that I really felt was uncool.  She would ask me to help her with her web site…and then ask someone else to help her (she knew and respected more) and use their work.   She began taking a painting course with another woman.   Now I know maybe I sound like a weird possessive girlfriend or something- but what bothered me was she was hiding this from me initially.  I understood her desire to explore her creative side, but imagine I began seeing another life coach…just to explore the different facets of my screwed up head- and did not tell her…in retrospect maybe it’s something I should have considered.  Anyways she did this gorgeous painting, which was nothing like anything she painted with me.  She admitted that this woman ‘guided’ her.   She hung the painting over her fire place in her living room.  Her family loved this painting and she claimed it was hers.   This was not entirely true.   There is no way she could paint this on her own.  I know because I watched her paint every other week. She struggled.  And the struggle was good- it kept her humble.  She was willing to lie to enhance how other’s saw her.

   Here’s my truth.  Through all of this I saw my need to be someone other than myself.  I saw myself willing to compromise my feelings to be connected to others.  I’m saw an addictive quality- to a type of connection that was unhealthy.  I’m saw my lack of love and acceptance of myself- this crazy courageous and creative soul.   And this was really worth looking at.  And this was my work. It would be impossible to do this with any one else, as I felt I would immediately go down the co-dependent road again. 

   But here’s what I really want to say to you.  Don’t be fooled by the outside world.  Don’t be seduced by the swimming pools and overconfidence of the wealthy.  Don’t throw your baby (you) out with the bath water.  The moment you thing someone has something that you want- really check in with yourself, because what I’m going to tell you here might be life changing.   This life you have created- it’s yours.  Cherish it.  Don’t think for a second that you would like to trade it in for someone else’s because every single person you meet has something they struggle with.  The connection you build with your own inner life- your spirit- that is yours and it’s special and it’s right for you.   No glowing happy person, or Flowing hippy beauty, or movie star or celebrity of any sort can help you create your best life.  They are too busy creating their own.  And your best life; trust me- co-dependence will not help you discover it. 
   But here’s what will.  Be true to yourself.  Trust your feelings implicitly.  Create a Journal for your feelings.  Write about the darkness, be self-absorbed and then write from a higher perspective.    Learn to be your own BEST friend.  Don’t be seduced by the golden calf, and by that I mean don’t for a second believe that your happiness will grow with material gain.  Synthesize your happiness.  Put together one part of your past experience, add one part of your present moment experience, one part of something you love to do and then add some nature time.  The past experience will give you wisdom and knowledge.  The present moment will awaken you.  Creativity will help you download your divine purpose and nature; well that is always a soothing balm.  Voila! A potion for feeling good!  You only need one or two really good friends who love and accept you exactly as you are.  Stop comparing yourself to others.   Putting others down to feel better can only work for about 5 seconds.   If you feel jealous about something that someone else has- figure out how you can create the essence of it in your own life. 
   Let me tell you about the truth.  You will only know it when you live it- your life will feel right.  And no one…no one can tell you how YOUR best life should look.
A simple life of living and loving can be one of the very best lives ever lived.
   You know exactly what is best for you.  Now listen to and honour your self.
If you are feeling really depressed from possible early life trauma- I do feel a good therapist is called for- but make sure you feel 100% comfortable with your selection.  Always, always- trust what you feel.  


Certified Liver of Life

Monday, November 28, 2016

Love Like A Dog

In memory of my beautiful pooch Lucky- who made love so easy.

     You look into his eyes.  You immediately fall in love.  OMG such cuteness!  Big puppy dog eyes, totally huggable body…and the smell- oh yes- don’t you love that smell?
You take him home and he instantly curls up beside you, on top of you, licking you, loving you –so wonderfully excited.  And that is enough.  That is ALL you need.  That love, the excitement of being around you; the way he wags his tail, follows you around awaiting your caress, your affection and the odd treat.  Doesn't matter how you look.  He loves your bad breath and smelly feet.  He only feels your heart.

   That’s it!  A relationship made in heaven.  The expectations are physical and few- slobbery kisses and fresh air.  You’re both so happy.  It’s simple and uncomplicated.  You take him home and you are committed to each other.  He protects you and you keep him warm.  He is adorable and cuddly and you feel safe and happy.  And you live out your lives together.  You just both decided upon each other.

   This is how relationships should be! We see them. We adore their puppy dog eyes.  We take them home and they are so happy.  We make that commitment- right then and there- to be loyal and to take care of each other.  Sometimes she cries.  He dries her tears.  Sometimes he has a lot of energy- she takes him where he can play his sports.   They just commit.  They need each other. So simple.

   But we humans, we really have to complicate the whole process.   So many  games…you can’t show how you feel, they can’t show how they feel.  If you take them home and sleep with them the first night…well apparently game over because they need some sort of chase.  But crap- all we want is to jump their bones and keep that warm body beside us forever.  We would cook for them.  Love them up so good.   But they need their space and then we need our space.  And then they are feeling insecure and then we are feeling insecure.  We need each other to prove our love.  God- why does it have to be so complicated?

   Just the other day I heard from an old friend of mine- nicest woman you could ever meet- adored her husband of 28 years.  He walked away from her and towards a younger woman.  I really just don’t get it.

   We try to like someone because they are nice and kind and all of that is good but I say- at the end of the day- love like a dog.

   Find that guy or girl-the one who’s eyes you love or whose tail only wags for you.  Find the one who wants to protect you and who’s smell you love.  Find the one who is happy with a lot of affection and some food; the one  you want to curl up with each night- go for long walks with.  It really needs to be this simple.  

   Love like a dog- keep your expectations at bay.  There may be some training involved- food always works  well.  Yes potty training- you know- put the lid down, anger management…keep them on a tight lead- they like that.  No yelling- just treats, gentle reminders and strong boundaries and lots of affection.  Let them protect you and be loyal to one another.   And always…lots of loving and licking.

 I say love like a dog!
 Life doesn't need to be so RRRRuff!!

Sunday, April 10, 2016

I Hopped On A Wave...

I’ve been going through so much internally lately…as my outer world is shifting.  it’s been a very difficult time.

   I made a huge move.   It was more as if a powerful wave came in and lifted me out of my existing life…I allowed it to carry me into the unknown-and having landed on completely foreign shores, I’ve been feeling knocked about by all these little waves, and questioning everything in my life. (Especially my sanity!)

   The wave had been building momentum through the previous year. I could feel it but I was trying to ignore it-I sat on the sidelines watching the tides roll in and out.  At a deeper level, I felt a yearning- I wanted to ride that wave craving, some sort of change.  I needed something more.

Being a single mom has been one of the toughest and also one of the most poignant journeys.  I don’t recommend it, but then most of us single moms are not at this destination by choice.  I know we all had dreams of giving our kids those beautiful Kodak moments- with large festive family holidays and two loving parents proudly encouraging them forward in their path.  But our life learning seldom comes in ways we expect.

    Being a single parent is quite different.  In a way, you become both a masculine and a feminine force in your child’s life.   If you have only one child- like myself-you do become best friends-not in a restrictive needy way, but in a way where the memories you build are of you and them…a small, really fun family unit.

The teen years have been tough- I’m certain quite normal, but for me, the single mom with one kid- really hard.     My beautiful girl had to gain her individuality and independence; I get all that stuff- it didn’t make it easy.    I became background cast…transportation coordinator…wardrobe assistant if necessary…but the hardest part was implementing some respect and discipline.  That was hell.  If we fought, she ran to her dad’s home where he welcomed her with open arms…and suddenly it was like dealing with two rebellious teenagers who hated their parent…

 My ex was like the anti-parent.  He was happy to side with my daughter, to see me as the bitch…have his disregard for me affirmed.  It was confirmation that his departure was warranted.  And as far as a test on my own strength- you know what doesn't kill you make you stronger?  Meh…I failed and I crumbled, quietly- by myself.
      So around March of last year I began dreaming.  What could a different life look like?  Where would I like to be?  how could I create something to sustain me as I moved into the next part of my life…and one day I saw an ad for real estate in Stratford.   “Buy a house for $12,500 down".  I could do that!  I had some money saved…I could do that eventually!    I truly thought I would see Aaron through at least her first year of university and then she would possibly want to move in with friends.  I even thought when the time was right they could have the apartment we were living in and I would maybe buy a house somewhere outside of Toronto.

 This is how I envisioned it in my head.  This is not quite how it went.
A few days after my birthday-early June, my daughter announced she was going to live with her dad in the fall- she had made her decision.  I felt hurt…shocked, angry–but maybe it was just fear.  Fear of not knowing who I was outside my role as mom.  Oh sure, I’m an artist and a songwriter/singer…but my sense of self – my greatest role had derived form being her mom- that’s where I felt I belonged.  I had felt a sense of family I had never known- a great comfort.   For 18 years, every decision I made was based upon being her mom- giving her the best I could.  And my greatest fear…that she would leave.. was happening.  But this time it was different- teenagers have to leave, it’s their job- to individuate, to become their own person.

And I was left to ponder a HUGE question- what did I want?
( and by the way- I m still trying to figure this out)

  That week of pondering,sadness, anger…feeling helpless at the inevitable shifting of life, I made the decision to meet up with a real estate agent in Stratford.  He was a very kind and sweet young man and he showed me 8 houses and gave me a bit of a Stratford tour.   I fell in love with the 8th house and with Stratford.  It felt familiar, with a huge enclosed backyard, I could envision my elderly dog chasing squirrels, and the large mature maple in the back had a tree house and a swing!  I could see grand children playing here one day.   It had a large main floor bedroom- with three upstairs bedrooms which made it perfect for creating some sort of B and B…and spirit whispered, “yes.”

     The next three weeks were like a blur- the purchase of this house came together in a miraculous way, and my closing date was set for August 11th.  I decided to move the following month; making sure Aaron was moved and calmly transitioned.  I did my last show in TO and moved September 24th.

       And here I am now…6 months later…upon these new shores…exploring…feeling very lonely…missing mother hood in ways that make my heart ache…still trying to figure out where I am…loving my home…missing my musical friends and community…loving living in a smaller town with no traffic or speed bumps, loving that it takes me 5 minutes to get anywhere…loving the swans…missing my favourite breakfast haunts…lying in bed Friday nights watching Netflix and eating Chinese with my kid…missing UB with Linda, jams with Brian, and Roy…shows at Hirut…guitar with Dave, recording with Myke…slowly making new friends here…but feeling frightened and nervous sometimes- maybe expecting too much too soon…

It’s all a jumble right now, I feel uncertain of everything- mostly about myself. 
It feels like learning walk again, I'm wobbly as heck, but there’s no cheering section - I guess maybe that's part of my learning- to become my own cheerleader...Go Sharron?

   People say I’m courageous…maybe I’m stupid…right now, I’m unsure.
All I know is I hopped on a wave-

xox  Sharron

 The wave painting is still available for sale. The above painting is part of the Spring It On Collection. Please visit www.sharronkatz.com to view affordable Floral paintings- perfect for Mother's day!


Sunday, February 28, 2016

X Men...The dysfunction Continues

I’m giving up on men and relationships.  Friendship- ok.   I’ve had it.  Some how I am allowing really strange and unhealthy dynamics into my life and this scares me. The person in my house yesterday scared me- when he stormed out- but he was scaring me before he stormed out...or rather I was growing increasingly uncomfortable with him.

    This happened before about 3 years ago with another man in an even more frightening way- a way that left me shaking in my car for half an hour.  I felt this same discomfort- I can't even explain it- and within minutes he erupted at me and told me to get the f out of his home.  And a year later I went back and became friends with that same person for a time- he had apologized profusely…and I finally realized that this kind of behaviour could not be erased from my being- I felt unsafe with his charm.

     It goes way back.  My first long term boyfriend had an affair while we were going out and I wanted him back- and I stayed with him for two volatile years- in moments where he would talk on the phone for half an hour with this girl- making me feel as if I was crazy for being bothered- or upset.  The good news is I ended up leaving him- for a sailor!

Flash forward...Yesterday…I had been having a phone friendship with this guy- who right from the get go had me feeing a little uncertain.  He called looking for a musical connection and went on to bend my ear for over an hour about himself and his former, female, music partner – who had chosen not to play with him any more…about how he cried having done a single days work in a factory…oh on an on he went.  I told him I would certainly consider musically connecting- I just moved to a completely new community and I’m open to connection especially musical.  So I messaged him the following week giving him times I was available.   He called me –telling me how everything was going OK for him- his sister offered him a place to stay rent free- and a vehicle and a huge tv…etc.   I’m thinking… he has an amazing support system- what the heck is he doing calling me about anything other than music?   I was a bit pissed because he really had presented his situation as dire- like he had no way of earning income and he had to find a place to live and figure out his life…I got caught into his story and felt compassion because I had been a single mom with an 8 year old in tow- and broke, and uncertain of where to go when my ex walked…but I did not have a wonderful sister who was going to take me in.  And I did have to do work at jobs that were extremely hard for me- I had a little person to take care of.

OK I know the story is getting long- thanks for sticking with me.  So this guy- let’s just call him X- he calls and apologizes and says he wants to know more about me and he really wants to be more of a giver than a taker.  The words sound right.  We continue to chat over he next five days…but the conversations do seem to always revolve around him and his former musical partner…and I’m thinking- how can he start something new while he’s still pining over something that is gone…but I ignore those thoughts and we decide to meet. 

He comes over about half an hour late.  I smell alcohol on him. Perhaps it’s from the night before.  He cannot look at me directly- I feel weird.  I attribute it to a first meeting. 
I show him around my place- normally people go crazy for my art- he really says nothing.  We play some music- he is showing me his guitar pedals, and his looping pedal…we play some of my songs and I listen to him play-  can’t for the life of me figure out why a musician this talented is at the bottom of his game.  I’m encouraging and praising… of course we chat more and all I’m hearing about is his former musical girlfriend and his other girlfriends- how incredibly beautiful they were- like models…etc..etc… this is not giving me anything…this is draining me…no woman wants to hear some guy talk about how attractive his former girlfriends are.   He has not given me anything warm or encouraging… I’m thinking…the thoughts are going downhill- I’m disappearing…and I get up and tell him I am feeling very uncomfortable.  Oh and I forgot to mention twice I have invited him to collaborate on musical things and he will not give me an answer…my days of being some sweet receptacle for some guys junk are over. 
  When I tell him I’m feeling uncomfortable and why- he petty much tells me I’m crazy- he says we barely know each other…I guess the 20 hours of phone conversation in which he told me his life story, meant I did not know him…and he stormed out.

Honestly…I don’t care if I’ve know a man for 5 minutes.. I don’t want to hear about his former girlfriends and how stunningly gorgeous they were.  Flashback to this first boyfriend of mine (A music executive) always bending his neck to look at women While we were out- telling me I should feel lucky that he’s interested in other women- means he was alive??  OK the ‘me’ of this era would have walked…

    I am left- once again wondering how I let this person get even remotely near me.

 This is my conclusion.  I do not know how to set the bar of how I want to be treated until it’s too late.  And I don’t know how to fix this because my relationships- especially with my father were molded in a mixed up way where I had to put up with a great deal of abuse just to have a relationship with him. And so I don’t know what is healthy or ‘normal’.   And I realize I have a fault…a weakness that is not serving me…and I have no idea how to change this.

 All I can think of is to stop.  For now- I am done with men and dating.

  I just don’t trust myself.  My picker is broken.

I have had too many strange experiences and I am left each time doubting…myself, my faith…

 I need my strength right now for me- to create the life of my dreams- or shall I say to embellish the life of my dreams- I’ve already began the canvas…and I need positive energy and strength to paint it brightly. 

So my public declaration- I hereby swear off men for indeterminate period of time.


 ps- this was my February month long project.  It is 5' x 2.5 ' acrylic multi-medium and now placed

facing the wall- I'm not sure my pot has a lid...and all this men stuff is draining me.  I believe in the Big love- but I'm not sure about romantic love...