R U My Lover?

R U My Lover?

Have you ever read the children’s book called R U My mother?   It’s by P. D. Eastman- one of my faves.   It speaks to me on this deeper level.

   It’s about a little birdie, his/her mom takes off to find food, leaving her little egg about to hatch.  Well of course the egg hatches, and there’s no Mom!!!   So this little birdie, which needs a mother, starts hopping around the neighbor hood, looking for its mother.  “R U my mother?”  The baby bird asks a cat, a chicken, a dog…and even a large truck…  This baby bird NEEDS it’s mother as it desperately searches.

   Here’s where I do my analogy thing- get ready.  This baby bird has been abandoned, maybe not on purpose, after-all who would read such a wretched fairy tail- but in real life, many of us deal with abandonment issues.  We’ve had mothers who were still children themselves, not prepared to take on a parental role.  And there’s no judging here, just a valid realization that many of us have not had ideal parenting.  So…off we go, looking for mothers in our lovers.  We hold on to this hope that someone ‘out there’ will help us manage all our fears and upsets, will encourage us in our journey- love us unconditionally and feed us emotionally.  There’s just one problem.  (Well maybe more than one- but one worth observing)  We tend to pick other people who have abandonment issues- and suddenly we’re in that needy place looking for love- right where we started.

     Well they say- the big THEY in the sky- that awareness is a positive step towards healing so let’s look a bit deeper at this.  Are you with me? Of course babies and young children are very dependent upon their mothers, and it would only stand to reason that they will seek out maternal safety- even if it’s not a healthy bond, but if we’ve made it to adulthood- God-willing, well we ARE safe.   We CAN look after ourselves and our emotional needs are more in our heads than in real life.  Gasp- what?!

   One thing I’ve learned- is that often we create illusions around relationships.  Therapists like to call this projection.  We project personalities on to people that may not necessarily exist. ( The personas, not the people!)  OK, if you’re scratching your head here, think of this.  You meet a GORGEOUS man, or woman- OMG they look good, they smell good and they seem to like you back!  They are funny and kind and warm, it’s a match made in heaven, you date and months go by and suddenly you discover you have nothing in common!  What?  That’s the thing; physical attraction can sometimes blind us.  ‘Need’ can often blind us too.  When we think we need to be loved, well we can become a bit less picky. 

    Society can play a role in this too, a woman not married by thirty, who wants children, family- well I myself married the first nice guy who came along and really liked me and seemed funny.    And then you wake up and discover a couple of things.  You might really not have all that much in common, and you’re not too happy. 

      OK –yes, we create our own happiness, but when you’re living with someone who undermines your happiness attempts, well you can’t really stick around for that.

      So a couple of important things to rehash- We’re needy because of our abandonment issues, we have to learn to be aware of our need and also that we are the best people to fulfill our own needs, and that it takes a long time to sift out really true friends- the ones that are there for us- through the good and bad.  It takes time!!!  

   

    When I was young, I looked for love in all the wrong places, and became unhappier than I could have imagined.  I did not find love in the plethora of short-lived relationships I entertained.  I felt an unspeakable emptiness.  I did not even know that there was a well of joy that existed within me.  I did however discover that my creativity seemed to be a healing balm- and began to focus more upon that aspect of myself.

      So as I draw this little note to a close- I’m going to suggest-

Happiness is not something found in a lover,

Happiness is not something found in a mother

Our happiness can never be found in another

 

Happiness comes from a place in our heart

You might find it playing music or creating great art

If you find yourself sad and feeling quite alone

Call your own number and see if you’re home

The connection we’re looking for is never ‘Out There’

It’s within our own self- we need to really care

Hearts can be dropped when we give them away

But loving and sharing is always OK

  You are your best lover and you are your best mother!

                                   Dancing With the Divine   30" x 40 "  Acrylic on Canvas 

www.sharronkatz.com

 I know it sounds weird, but the less we need from another- the more we tend to receive. 

  xox   Sharron

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